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SEOULxSOUL •xiaosi / junsi •kavenyou.com |
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Friday, September 21, 2012× Born alone Die alone I really wanted to keep this short, i got countless of evil thoughts in my mind from morning till now but i choose not to write it all down. because 1. i will appear to be very petty. 2. im not very understanding apparently. 3. i thought hard, and its kinda useless to 'grumble' all these stuffs. But anyway i run errands today, all by myself. I feel extremely proud that i actually manage to run errands MYSELF. just alone, out on the streets. You know, last time i used to hate being alone. I can't stand being alone when im in my early teens, i saw people walking alone, shopping alone and even eat alone i cringe and felt sad for them because immediately i would think that 'aww, no one wants to accompany them/no one wants to ask them out/thats very sad' But now, its a different mindset people being alone not because they want to (okay fine maybe minority choose to be alone because its easier/convenient/they are used to it) but there are other half of the people dont want to, but THEY HAVE TO. i really felt this way, for this week. the amount of rejections i had from friends = countless and they continuously rejecting me that i really cannot take it anymore. and all i said was 'fuck up, i shall do it myself' of course, i know, its like 'walau you are the one wants to do the stuffs, why ask me tag along?' YA BECAUSE IM AFRAID TO BE ALONE AND I DONT WANT TO BE. then all those defense will come back to me 'i have to work!', 'i really not free' its okay, these reasons seems useless in front of me no matter how understanding i am. i really dont mind asking people out, MY OWN INITIATIVE, because with that, friends will/can go a long way but really? am i really the one who keep asking and you guys will just sit there, do nothing and wait for people to ask you out ? maybe im drifting this topic a little far. but i really have so many thoughts last night, while im trying to sleep. I always dont believe when friends/parents tell me 'you have to be independent. You cant always be with your friends' I KNOW, ARASEO, when im out in the working society ever since i was 15, i know everyone bounds to be alone at times. but i didnt expect that we have to be ALONE for everything. Rather then saying im angry with friends who stood me up/always rejecting my dates with their reasons Im just disappointed and sad. i dont have a lot of friends you know. Im not the super sociable person that everywhere i go, i meet my friends. I dont. I only keep a small amount of friends, a small circle of friends within my reach because i wanna keep them, and will still hang out despite we are out slogging our guts out for work in the future (well, soon to come) and when we girls walking down the aisle. how many friends can you really keep till the future ? not a lot, i swear. but at least i want to make the effort and make sure those who stay with me, WILL stay with me for a long run. Nuff said. I guess people really grow up and face the harsh truth in front of them. I finally did, X |
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